Blame Me For Being Human
by Hyuuga no Shiranai
Summary: When Bella's vampire boyfriend Edward and his family leave without a trace after her disastrous birthday, Bella falls into four months of despair, denial, self blame, and depression. Set in New Moon between September and March. The four missing months.


"It would be as if you never existed."

Those words startled me awake. Pushing myself off the bed, I barely noticed that my pillow was wet from tears. The dream—nightmare—had made everything all the more real. He was not coming back, they had all left, and everything I had ever wanted had vanished in the wind he had left behind. The setting of the dream had been the forest. It was just him, the trees, gleaming in the brief sunlight, and me. He was in the shadows where no rays touched him and I was in the sunlight, relishing the gift of the sun. I looked at Edward expectantly, wondering what he would say next and why he was so far away. When he spoke, I no longer wished for the sense of hearing.

"I don't love you, Bella. Leave me alone," he spat. I shivered, never had his words been so cold when directed at me. Besides the shiver, there was no other reaction besides a quickened pulse, heavy breathing, and a numbness spreading throughout my body. I think I was in shock, unable to say anything except for, "Why?" in a low whisper no human would hear.

He never did answer that question, merely beckoning another figure in the shadows to join him at his side. It was a woman, a vampire I had never met. She looked at him lovingly, sneered at me, and locked her lips with his right in front of my face. I remember Dream-Bella backing away, tears trickling down silently. I remember legs collapsing out from underneath her. Edward not caring about her, too absorbed in the other vampire to care. Only when she repeatedly asked why and when did he acknowledge her presence again. His tone was rather annoyed. Almost as if he was questioning what she was still doing there.

"You're not good enough for me, Bella. It's as simple as that. I can do many things with Tanya I would never be able to do with you—would never _want_ to do with you. I love her; you were merely a toy until she decided to come into my arms. I never wanted you to be a vampire, Bella. In fact, I hardly wanted you around to begin with. Why do you think I left to Alaska? It was never going to happen. Me? Spend an eternity with you? Never. You will live your life away from me—far away. It would be as if you never existed."

That was all I had dreamed before I woke up. It was in that moment that my subconscious made my personal blacklist. Edward would never treat me like that, ever. He loved me; he had said it many times before. I believed him, I loved him, and I wanted him back. Still, how much I wanted him failed to erase the fact that he was gone. It was his choice to protect me from him. Or maybe to protect himself from me. I don't know.

Ignoring the tears still going down my face, I walked to my computer and booted it up. No doubt there would be an e-mail from Renee and I was obliged to reply. My mother was not like my father; you didn't ignore her. As I waited for Mr. Molasses to start up, I entered the kitchen for some breakfast. I wasn't really hungry, but I ate out of necessity more than anything else. Edward had told me not to do anything stupid or reckless. Starving myself to death would definitely fall into that category.

I bit into the apple, trying not to think about Edward. It was mission: impossible. I thought of nothing else. I retreated to my bed and laid there. There was no way I could get up; I was in physical pain. I was afraid of my thoughts; I was afraid of my dreams. There was not a single place in the world where I was safe from thinking about him. Keeping the apple down prove to be a challenge. I upchucked it into the nearest toilet. That reminded me of the times I used the bathroom at night, fixing myself while he waited patiently in my room. It reminded me of the many times I would wonder what he was thinking. In turn, this reminded me of how I was the only one whose mind he couldn't read.

Going back to my room, I went back into my bed and closed my eyes. I woke up several hours later when Charlie shook me awake. I think my mind shut down; I neither remembered falling asleep or any dreams I may have had. The first thing I remember since hitting the pillows was a worried father shaking my shoulders, saying my name. It felt as if he feared I was dead. I didn't move, moving hurt. I opened my eyes and looked at him.

"Bella, are you alright?" he asked me. I gave the smallest of headshakes and closed my eyes again. I wanted him to go away from me. He shook me again gently. "Come on, Bells, he was just a boy. It's not like it's the end of the world."

I glared at him. He had never liked Edward since he had brought me home as damaged goods. Charlie was probably _happy_ that Edward was gone. Inside, he was probably rejoicing and cheering and laughing. Suddenly, I hated my father. I wish he would just jump off a cliff. I wanted to shout at him, scream at him, and hit him. I had none of the energy to do any of those things. Instead, I pulled my comforter more over my head. Charlie gave up, leaving my room after telling me that dinner would be ready if I was ever hungry. I didn't respond, food was disagreeing with me at the moment. I felt like I was going through nicotine withdrawal. I wasn't. I was going through Cullen withdrawal. Gone, they were all gone.

And, thinking back on it, it was all my fault.

The doorbell rang and Charlie answered it. It turned out to be Angela, bringing in my missed assignments and homework. Vaguely, I realized that I missed school. It was weird that I did not remember. After she set them on her desk, Angela turned to me, giving me a small smile.

"How are you, Bella?" she asked. Lazily, I sat up, still a little numb. I could tell my expression was blank. It took me a few moments to realize she had graced me with a question. I shrugged my shoulders and grabbed the top of homework pile. It was math—I was in no mood to do any sort of calculations.

"There's also science, English, and history," Angela offered, spreading them out for me to see. I scanned them and let my eyes fall to the floor. My mind wasn't on Angela nor was it on homework. It was on Edward and Alice—even Rosalie. Esme…

"They're really gone," I murmured, drawing in my knees. Angela looked at me, confused for a few moments before nodding.

"Yes, they are gone," she replied, checking her watch and sighing. "Listen, Bella, I have to go home. I hope you feel better," she added kindly before grabbing her purse. She paused at the door, and turned around. Everything will be fine, she told me. After all, it was not the end of the world. I sulked at her back before I looked through my CD's. I found one of Linkin Park—Edward had this very same CD. Greedily, I put it in my CD player and listened. I wasn't ready to let go of him, I decided. Once the music started to play, I turned to my homework and missed assignments. That night I didn't sleep and did work. My mind was busy and stayed off Edward. I e-mailed my mother and told her everything was normal.


End file.
